Rach Gets Bored

dear kelly,

oh honey! can’t pass your drug test? getting fired? 

not my issue.

you deserve it bitch. 

i hate you.

good luck in whatever you’re terrible at.

which is everything. 

pretty soon, you wont be my problem anymore.

love,

rach. 

hey rommie……

i fucking hate you.

you’re a fucking bitch

you want to know what’s not right? 

you.

nothing about you is right.

especially the way you act like you own this whole fucking apartment, want to know a fun fucking fact? i pay $100 more in rent than you every month. sure, that’s so i have my own room when you have to share but still. it’s $100 fucking dollars. you know what that extra money means? 

I CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT

but do i?

no.

i don’t leave dirty dishes in the sink

I don’t drink underage all the time(anymore) 

i don’t leave my shit all over the living room

i don’t wake everyone in the apartment up at five on their days off by turning on EVERYTHING that makes noise

i don’t violate our lease by having my weird boyfriend in our apartment for weeks at a time despite the fact that there is a rule against guests for over 5 days

i don’t threaten our home and job security by smoking weed in the apartment all the fucking time

and i sure as fucking hell don’t “suggest” in a bitchy way that you “do more” around the apartment.

you can suck a fucking dick.

here’s the thing, i’ve tolerated all your bullshit because i felt like maybe i would change my mind and you would grow on me

i was wrong

my first instincts are usually right

i should always remember that about myself.

Now, i’ve made a decision. Have you ever felt like you’ve lost yourself? like, you used to be a complete person and you lost just a little bit of that?

no?

well, that’s kind of how i’ve been feeling lately and you know what part of me i’ve lost?

apparently it’s my ability to stand up for myself.

in other words, its essentially my bitch gene.

before i moved here my mom told me i was too abrasive and that i would never make any friends,

then i moved here and everyone was so nice that i felt like Wednesday Addams when she went to that summer camp

but unlike Wednesday i tried to adjust. 

i tried to be nice to people.

here’s a secret.

being nice to people?

it’s not really my thing

being quiet and letting you be a bitch to me?

that’s not really my thing either.

want to know what my thing is?

my thing is being on top.

i’m a blair waldorf

you know who wins in life? 

the blairs (sorry for the gossip girl reference but seriously, it works)

i don’t need to listen to a word you say

i don’t need to be nice to a single person

i can do whatever the fuck i want

and you can’t say shit.

want to know why?

because you’ve given me way to much ammunition to use against you.

 think about that you dirty cunt

so here’s a thing

next time you feel the need to be awkward and rude to me

just remember i own you.

bitch.

good luck undoing all of your own stupidity.

because i know from experience that telling people too much about yourself lets them in, in a way that opens you up for a world of hurt

normally i’m a talker

but here?

buckle your seatbelt honey, because i’ve been observing you and listening to you for the past month.

you don’t have any secrets.

but i do

and i can take your ass out.

sweet dreams,

rach 

Dear Vodka,

thank you for being delicious. thank you for mixing into anything i want. thank you for making me feel so fine. 

yes, we can be best friends forever.

but i still expect a fucking christmas present.

love,

rach

Dear Delivery Guy,

thanks for bringing me dinner…… you did a cracker jack job…..

i’ve never actually used that expression before.

i just heard it on t.v. and though it was funny

cracker jack job

if my name was jack i would insist that everyone call me cracker all the time

and not just gang members either.

EVERYONE

how fully excellent would that be?

probably the greatest ever.

if my name were jack everything thing i did would be a cracker jack job

i may need to legally change my name.

you know what i hate?

not getting everything i want when i want it

does that sound incredibly spoiled?

yes.

you know what?

i don’t give a fucking fuckity fuck

i work hard at what i do

i am delightful and charming

i can be incredibly sweet,

sure i can also be incredibly bitchy but that isnt the fucking point

the point is

when i want something i should get it

i’m not just talking about material things either

i mean everything

like today when i went to pick up my check i found out i didn’t get put on the team i wanted

you know who got put on the fucking team that should have been mine?

fucking southern boy

that’s who.

jesus christ on a cross.

i’m a little more than irate about it

does some asshole deserve what i want and have been working for more than me?

i don’t bloody, fucking think so

here’s something else i want

someone to stop using a metal fucking utensil in my teflon coated pan and then when i tell you not to do that shit don’t lie to me and tell me you haven’t cooked since you got here when i saw you cut up your ramen noodles with one of my metal knives in it you fucking bitch.

just saying.

it’s not really ok with me.

here’s something i do like

making new “friends” at work

here’s something i don’t like

when my new “friend” isn’t put on my work team

now who will take funny pictures and do funny things with me while doing some excellent DJ work and showing me his “lady catcher” dance moves?

the first person my age i meet here who actually seems smart and like someone i could be friends with or even “friends” and i will maybe get to see him sometimes in the staff locker room.

thanks a lot for that one baby jesus.

so here’s the fucking break down

my life at this point fucking sucks, i have no money, i dont like anyone here under the age of 40

i guess my life isnt going to be a fucking cracker jack worthy anytime soon

love,

rach

Dear Disney/Pixar,

thank you for making a bugs life.

it gives me something to watch.

while all my roommates go out to smoke weed.

and i stay home……

because i can’t do that anymore.

want to know what i miss?

going out

having friends i actually liked

having cash all the time

that’s just top three

here’s something though

if my roommate rearranges the kitchen/unplugs the modem/ bitches at me for her mess one more fucking time i’m going to kill her.

hear me?

kill her

how?

i’ll cut off her air supply to her room and let her asphyxiate happily….. happy for her because there’ll be so much smoke from the weed she smokes all the time.

so at least i’m being humane. 

just saying

thinking about having some ice cream, because that just feels right

also.

i work at 9 tomorrow….. do you want to know what that means?

i have to catch the bus at 7:53

you know what that means?

i have to be ready to go at 7:45

you know what that means? 

i have to wake up early

how early?

around 6:30

i know.

i live in a place and work at at job where i wake up at 6:30

what time do bars here close?

2:00am

so can i ever go out drinking?

not if i want a raise and a promotion and to be picked for the best team i can’t

so yes.

you did hear right

my life?

officially over

it’s ok though

i don’t mind that much

at least i get to watch a bug’s life

love,

rach

dear world,

is it thanksgiving?????

yes

have i been dranking since 10:00am?

oh hells yeah

do i regret this decision?

never.

am i having a hard time trying to not look like i’m drunk?

fuck yeah

happy thanksgiving ya’ll

i’m thankful for family, friends, roomies, sex, drugs, rock and roll, pumpkins, and alway ponies and unicorns….

love you all,

give me a text/visit

love,

rach

dear self,

snap out of it.

sulking over a boy? no.

that isn’t you. when have you ever let anyone else effect how you feel or what you do? 

when did you become the sort of girl who sits back and lets everything she wants get away?

what’s your fucking problem dude?

seriously.

get over yourself right now.

get outta this fucking funk…… you hate the word funk.

so you’ve got a problem?

fix it.

this isn’t some of that mental bullshit.

you can’t fix something between two people in your head. 

it’s crazy to even think that’s an option.

you need to be a better communicator.

talking is the new stalking.

stop being creepy

stop being weird

just grow a pair and have a mother fucking chat.

get it? got it? good!

love, 

rach