February 2012
1 post
payback's a bitch. a mother fucking bitch.
Dear Heath,
thanks for ruining my reputation.
there is nothing. and i mean NOTHING. i want more than the 20 dudes we work with to know that i am sometimes kind of slutty.
so thanks.
work tomorrow? it will be a joy.
a mother fucking joy.
you know what.
i can’t wait for morning meeting.
my plan is to be hung over and asleep.
heath? honey.
paybacks a bitch. a mother fucking...
January 2012
2 posts
“Here’s a fucking thing. mornings are for people who have nothing better to...”
– the brain
bye bye bitch.
dear kelly,
oh honey! can’t pass your drug test? getting fired?
not my issue.
you deserve it bitch.
i hate you.
good luck in whatever you’re terrible at.
which is everything.
pretty soon, you wont be my problem anymore.
love,
rach.
December 2011
4 posts
think about that you dirty cunt
hey rommie……
i fucking hate you.
you’re a fucking bitch
you want to know what’s not right?
you.
nothing about you is right.
especially the way you act like you own this whole fucking apartment, want to know a fun fucking fact? i pay $100 more in rent than you every month. sure, that’s so i have my own room when you have to share but still. it’s $100...
thank you for being delicious
Dear Vodka,
thank you for being delicious. thank you for mixing into anything i want. thank you for making me feel so fine.
yes, we can be best friends forever.
but i still expect a fucking christmas present.
love,
rach
“I think i have a lot of inner rage”
i don't give a fucking fuckity fuck
Dear Delivery Guy,
thanks for bringing me dinner…… you did a cracker jack job…..
i’ve never actually used that expression before.
i just heard it on t.v. and though it was funny
cracker jack job
if my name was jack i would insist that everyone call me cracker all the time
and not just gang members either.
EVERYONE
how fully excellent would that be?
probably the...
November 2011
6 posts
let her asphyxiate happily
Dear Disney/Pixar,
thank you for making a bugs life.
it gives me something to watch.
while all my roommates go out to smoke weed.
and i stay home……
because i can’t do that anymore.
want to know what i miss?
going out
having friends i actually liked
having cash all the time
that’s just top three
here’s something though
if my roommate rearranges the...
my life is a jigsaw puzzle
dear world,
is it thanksgiving?????
yes
have i been dranking since 10:00am?
oh hells yeah
do i regret this decision?
never.
am i having a hard time trying to not look like i’m drunk?
fuck yeah
happy thanksgiving ya’ll
i’m thankful for family, friends, roomies, sex, drugs, rock and roll, pumpkins, and alway ponies and unicorns….
love you all,
give me a...
“i didn’t realize that things happened before 10:00 a.m.
then i started...”
– too tired to actually write a letter/blog
talking is the new stalking
dear self,
snap out of it.
sulking over a boy? no.
that isn’t you. when have you ever let anyone else effect how you feel or what you do?
when did you become the sort of girl who sits back and lets everything she wants get away?
what’s your fucking problem dude?
seriously.
get over yourself right now.
get outta this fucking funk…… you hate the word funk.
so...
please if possible, up my adorability factor
Dear God of Patheticness,
go away.
i realize that in this point in time i haven’t slept in over 24 hours and i’m a bit emotional, but still
you annoy.
here’s what i want from you
to stop obsessing about south carolina
to have an uninterrupted sleep
for boys to be more understandable
to be less pathetic regarding certain neighbors
and one more thing, when i am fully...
Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
Dear Southern Boys,
Where did you learn to be so cute with your accents?
How did you learn to be so charming and persuasive?
And where oh were did you get those abs?
Here’s the thing. I love you, don’t get me wrong, you’re so polite and you always hold open doors for me but this was my start over.
Colorado was supposed to be something new and exciting for...
August 2011
1 post
"i could just slap you in your !@#$%^&*! face!"
Dear World
it’s a thought i just had but i haven’t written in this blog for over a year…… shitty.
so here’s a little recap on what’s going on in my life…..
1. last september i got a dui….. you aren’t surprised are you? no? i can’t say i am either.
2. yesterday i quit my job…… i decided i was tired of bullshit. am i...
March 2010
2 posts
bitches........
dear morning ( i mean legit morning……llike before 10 am……like before 8am…..like before 6am…..i mean like 5am…..),
i hate you.
i hate everything about you.
you’re always kind of creepily half lit and there are always eerie birds chirping……i don’t like it.
so.
i’ve decided i’m never going to see you again.
i want a...
billie jean is not my love
dear billie jean,
i am going to punch you in the face.
seriously.
you have to be the most annoying person i have ever me. EVER.
you know what should happen?
you should stop singing m.j.’s ”billie jean” every time someone says your name….we get it….your name is billie jean, yes, its a song. and yes. it is ironic that we have a server named michael...
February 2010
2 posts
it may be none of my business but, the fuck?
dear twin falls county jail,
you are a shameful representation of a jail. please. i watch t.v. i know what prison is supposed to be like. there are tables, and ice cream sandwiches….and baseball. also, vending machines and it is big and roomy and clean….. as seen on arrested development.
your establishment is shady seeming with a frightening intercom system and a weird smell. in...
obviously we are quite sensationally mad
dear best friends,
right now im watching national treasure and thinking about how much i suck as a person.
i can’t believe how long its been since i bitched at someone. obviously i’ve been busy.
don’t worry, i still hate practically everyone. including that weird guy in the csi ski class. here’s the thing.
my iphone vanished from the face of the earth and i’m...
January 2010
1 post
December 2009
4 posts
i hear karaoke is really big in japan
Dear old people who think they can sing.
I am at a chrimbie party.
You are singing.
I don’t like it.
You should stop… Question. Who hired you? Who thought that young people would want to listen to/sing along with your nonsense?
They should have put me in charge of entertainment. I would have done something good.
Like gotten a karaoke machine.
I hear karaoke is really big in japan. So is...
therefore you are gay
dear person who i used to be friends with, in fact, we used to be best friends but now i pretty much hate you because of your poor taste in shoes, and also your affinity for clowns and arkansas,
i am soooo mad at you, and also, i think that you have stupid ears.
that’s right, your ears are stupid. and they are nothing like the ears of peggy lee. so ha. you lose and i win.
here’s...
“I’ve never met a Jew in my life. I’m so excited.”
– The Hitman
having cold feet (literal cold feet, and yes, it...
dear friends,
here is something i read lately, “life is too short to waste time hating anyone”
here is what i thought, “pffffff, what the fuck? false!”
because lets be honest, if i didn’t absolutely hate things i couldn’t really love anything right? you see where i’m going with this? eh? eh?
i thought so!
anyway…to celebrate the holidays, and...
November 2009
5 posts
scowling applebees bitch
dear bitch that works at applebees and always wears the same packers jersey,
i fucking hate you. you are a bitch. and you forgot my salad. you know what pisses me off? bitchy servers.
you think i can’t tell when you obviously don’t want to be working?
question. do you think scowling at me and being grumpy will improve your tips?
i don’t think so!
here’s a tip,...
you are like a big, pale blob
Dear girl in the hideous coat and blue dress who is in love with stott,
news flash;
i do not approve of you.
News flash #2;
Sarah does not approve of you
new flash #3;
we do not approve of you
news flash #4;
we do not like your clothes
news flash #5;
we do not like your face
news flash #6;
your face is too pale for most of your clothes
news flash #7;
all the gross make-up you cake on...
relatives? irrelevant!
dear mom and dad,
alright, mainly just mom. question. why are you such a psycho?
i realize that your parents are coming into town…question, do you realize i hate these people?
i think you do.
remember when i was living in wyoming in their house, and they let that creepy old guy come in to do something with the pipes (that’s what she said) and he told them i was messy (false!)...
“…a swaggering, tough little slut”
– Louise Brooks on Shirley Temple
then i'm going to be like, "BLAM BITCH! APRIL...
dear girl who is in love with j.d.
where the fuck are you today?
every monday i fight with you over who j.d. likes more (me, obviously) the difference is, i think you really love j.d. and i just think its funny.
anyway…what you don’t know is that lately j.d. and i have been scheming. and we had a plan today. and you aren’t here. now we have to delay until wednesday.
thanks a...
“Sometimes I feel a little slutty.”
October 2009
18 posts
“hope mary did not feed the white powder in my room to my fish”
– me…. referencing fish medicine..not cocaine
Out you mother fuckin spot!!!
Dear boo radley’s dad,
I hate you. My best friend hates you, and also, I feel like you probably hate yourself. That has to be why you suck so much and are so stubborn and refuse to see how you had a good thing, actually, it was a great thing, fuck that, it was a perfectly amazing thing, and you threw it away. Because you are an asshole.
Question. How are you supposed to be like my second...
because i am nothing like Hitler
Dear clowns of the world,
i hate you.
You are creepy.
Please, don’t talk to me, and don’t try to hug me, EVER.
Because if you do, I’ll kick your ass.
Alright, I mean, I won’t, because you kind of terrify me and I don’t like looking at you and your horrible psychotic grins.
Also, I don’t like it when you laugh, or talk, or blow in a creepy way in my ear, also, when you get close to my...
“And then I had to decide if I needed to wear shoes that kicked ass or were good...”
– Janet Evanovich
literally, LEAP, like gazelles
dear garbage man,
thank you. thank you so much. really.
i’m not even being sarcastic!
so this morning when i got home from my 6am p.e. class that i didn’t want to take (mom and mar signed all of us up) i realize that we forgot to take the garbage out last night.
and the garbage truck has already passed our house.
but is just down the street.
1st thought:...
taco wallet!
dear little sister,
today is your birthday! huzzah! 17!
i’m so excited!
i’m just going to tell you right now, i didn’t get you a present.
not that i didn’t think about it.
i totally did.
i was going to get you a taco wallet. but i didn’t order it on time.
so i’m going shopping today after i’m done with my classes and i’m going to get you...
casual conversation in the student lounge type...
J.D.: Rachel, do i have any essence of gay?
Me (without looking up from the letter i was writing to hooker face madge): no way, you're far to good in bed to be gay
Melissa: (awkward silence)
i was going to talk about risk.....but then saxton...
dear best friends,
next time you are going to keep me awake until 1:30 a.m. playing risk, you could at least let me win.
dont get me wrong, i love you, and i did have a rather good time, i’m just saying, i am a princess and should be treated as such.
if i were in charge of a country i could have you beheaded for that nonsense….not that i would, but hypothetically i could.
so right...
a tiny bit racist
me: but sarah......you don't go to jew church
sarah: ..............................synagog?
me: that's right...it is a sin of god.
coke bottle glasses
dear stupid mormon girl in my leadership class,
i hate you.
lets talk about the other day when you came into tomatoes and were in my section. Now, i came to the table and thought that girl looks awkwardly familiar. but i had NO IDEA who she was. she on the other hand knew exactly who i am, she knew my name (ok, fine, it was on my name tag. but still) and she mentioned we had this class...
a stott-ism
She wobbles to and fro, staggering as if to some internal rhythm or reason, finally coming to a halt that was nearly on her face but rather in his arms. He then smells the intoxication on her breath… “Wow!” he says interjectionally. “That’s strong!” Strong Arms Guns Obama Bailout Hay bails Horses Blinders Helen Keller “Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house? “No I did not.” “Neither did...
a real conversation
hooker face: I just learned that people in Taiwan or Sweden don't eat with forks...
...and ants don't sleep...
...and 40% of women throw their shoes...?
Life. It's bitchin'.
me: throw their shoes at what?
hooker face: i don't know
me: children probably
hooker face: indeed
“It’s a life full of espionage, pistol whips, mustache caressing, and tap...”
– hooker face, aka, my best friend, aka, katie kisko
the internet
dear internet,
first off, I’d like to let you know I’m a huge fan. I actually spend at least an hour every day using you….but not in a bad way, just in a you are a useful sort of person way, if that makes sense.
But today I am at school and I’m a little disappointed in you. WHY ARE YOU SOOOOO SLOW?
Now, please don’t take this the wrong way, because I love and respect you. I’d just like you to...
“isn’t it time for your milk and arsenic darling?”
– grace kelly in high society…. (best movie EVER)
asshole ref (who was really a linesman) from my...
dear asshole ref from my little sister’s soccer game last night,
when i am supporting my little sister on her high school team you should mind your own business and not yell at me.
you should think “oh, what a nice girl, here to support her little sister even though it’s balls cold and there are like 3 other families here” you should not tell me my cheering is...
September 2009
12 posts
mr. mustache
dear mr. mustache,
my head hurts too much to listen to you speak.
your mustache is funny
please speak quietly
you’re kind of walrus-ish
if you insist on speaking in a voice that everyone can hear could you at least talk about something i’m interested in?
we could talk about carrots.
did you know they make baby carrots from big carrots?
that’s why they’re all so...
huge girl from the sub
dear huge girl from the sub.
Question. do you feel like weighing 500 pounds makes you better than me? Do you feel a need to be a total bitch to compensate for your immense size?
Are you so self conscious about your weight that you feel the need to knock people aside and be ridiculously rude to everyone?
Here’s what I like. Manners. Sure, lots of times I don’t have any, and I’m a total...
kidnap is always funny
Dear best friend,
so i’m back in english. and someone is still trying to pull off rainbow hat and belt. what a douche. pretty sure i’ve already talked to him about this. IT IS STILL NOT OKAY WITH ME! and probably, it never will be.
anyway, lets talk about saturday night.
because, i have nothing, and no one to bitch about at the moment. (don’t worry, i’m sure someone...