dear mom and dad,
alright, mainly just mom. question. why are you such a psycho?
i realize that your parents are coming into town…question, do you realize i hate these people?
i think you do.
remember when i was living in wyoming in their house, and they let that creepy old guy come in to do something with the pipes (that’s what she said) and he told them i was messy (false!) and they kicked me out?
yeah, i’m still pissed about that.
and i don’t want them in my room
i don’t like them
and they don’t like me.
i mean, come on, they didn’t even bring me a present when they came to visit.
lets review.
vic and jan
- both from dad’s side of the family
- stayed in my room
- because everything has to be perfect for them i got new, amazing pillows
- because everything has to be perfect for them i got new towels and bathroom decoration type things
- talked to me about things that are interesting
- invited me to visit them in chicago and their new arizona house anytime
- house in arizona is beautiful
- bought me a vera bradley bag that has owls on it.
obviously vic and jan are excellent guests.
claudia
- from dad’s side of the family
- didn’t stay in our house (double points!!! no extra cleaning…well, not much anyway)
- likes fish (which i love, which means we got to eat fish)
- talked to me about me for a long time
- only stayed for one night
- dresses beautifully
- invited us to california this summer
- brought presents (cash….which i appreciate)
another example of an excellent guest.
now. g&p
- from mom’s side of the family
- staying in my room.
- complained about not all light sockets working
- were 2 hours early (rude, they were supposed to be there at noon, the room was going to be ready at noon. if they had been polite and on time they would have had their room ready when they got there…earliness=rude)
- made derogatory remarks about jews….kind of…whatever, it counts
- are a little bit racist
- did bring me a bunch of my shit from wyoming, including my stay high shoes and my nixon watch
- g is going to fix my french coat with the cape that i found in that thrift store for $10 with the weird sleeves
- did not bring gifts
honestly….who stays in someone’s room and doesn’t even bring a gift for them? so rude right? what assholes
also, i had to move seamus finnegan and samson simpson out of my room.
you remember them? i don’t know if i’ve ever talked about them? seamus finnegan (beta fish) and samson simpson (african dwarf frog)
anyway, they used to have a best friend named oscar, who was also an african dwarf frog, let me tell you a story about oscar…. he died last week,
and yes, i was devastated. i found his body about 6 a.m. and he was just upside down on the bottom of the tank….yes…the bottom..stott says that means he wasn’t dead very long.
so naturally i had to fish (ha! no pun intended) his dead body out of the tank…at 6a.m. (let me clarify, i am not an early riser…i simply didn’t go to sleep…please, i would never wake up at 6…i don’t even like to wake up before 10…and try talking to me before then…..disaster!) it was traumatic. i was so upset…i would have waited until someone woke up and made them do it…
but then i was like…”lets be honest..if i were in a room with one of my bffs and he or she died i would want someone to move that body out STAT!!!!” (who says i can’t be empathetic?) anyway… i took care of that and then i had to change the water because i wouldn’t want to be stuck in a room or something with only a shit ton of dead people air… that would be drastic.
anyway…back to why this relates to g&p…i had to move seamus finnegan and samson simpson out of my room because g&p don’t like them…DO YOU NOT THINK THEY HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH???? seamus and samson lost their best friend last week!! they are in mourning. and now… they have lost their home…i.e. the tranquil resting place that is my room….WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK.
do i come to your house, kick you out of your room and make your little family (because lets face it, that’s what seamus and samson are) ridiculously upset?
i don’t think so….so do me a favor.
get out of my room
get out of my house
get out of my life and don’t come back
and mom, i realize that it isn’t your fault…. i mean, you can’t help that your parents suck so much…
but really…i have you for a mother and i’m overcoming it…. (o.k. that sounded harsh, i know we fight a lot and you pretty much hate me most of the time but you have your moments and i know that deep down you love me tons. even though you make up ridiculous rules and last night you said i had to be home at 9 o’clock…really. 9? what am i 12? that was the stupidest thing you have ever tried to make me do..although my sneak out was epic, even for me…still…fucking ridiculous.)
any way. mom. dad. i really do love you…i would just appreciate it if you didn’t invite g&p back….because they suck
and also…they don’t bring gifts…stupid grandparents…who doesn’t bring gifts?
its rude and fuckin ridiculous.
love,
rach
