Dear girl in the hideous coat and blue dress who is in love with stott,
news flash;
i do not approve of you.
News flash #2;
Sarah does not approve of you
new flash #3;
we do not approve of you
news flash #4;
we do not like your clothes
news flash #5;
we do not like your face
news flash #6;
your face is too pale for most of your clothes
news flash #7;
all the gross make-up you cake on your face makes you too pale
news flash #8;
you wear too much gross make-up to cover your gross skin which would be better if you wore less make-up
news flash #9;
your skin is really gross….which, as I said would be prevented if you would wash all that crap off of your face
news flash #10;
sarah and I feel you are in love with stott
news flash #11;
this is not ok with us, because you are gross and he is too good for you
news flash #12;
we do not like you.
Right now I am hoping that you realize that news flash should be pronounced Dakota fanning style from uptown girls.
So rudely. And in a tone that says “I don’t care for you, or what you have to say”
here’s the thing.
For once in my life I don’t hate someone for absolutely no reason……. I have several reasons for hating you…and they’re listed above…. Ok. I realize this may be a little unfair…some of these things you can’t change, your face for example (false; plastic surgery is always an option) or your paleness (also false; tanning has been invented) or your bad skin, (false, face wash, and also less make-up, which I believe I have said twice, would fix this), and maybe, possibly, you can’t help being in love with stott. (but sarah and I will still hold it against you)
but honestly, I don’t care, I can still hate you for your bad/rude attitude and your inability to understand our sense of humor.
Please, it’s not that hard to just agree with whatever I say and to laugh at all my jokes. Most people manage quite nicely. I don’t see why you cannot.
Here’s the other thing, even if you don’t think I’m that funny, just say something sarcastic and make an odd face at me…I will laugh… also, if you start laughing I can’t keep a straight face even if I don’t know what you are laughing at….it isn’t that hard to make me think you’re funny, which would make me hate you less, so you should work on that.
Also, your hair is an awkward color for being so pale, you are like a big pale blob.
Which is gross.
Here are some things you can do that will improve you 20%
1. dye your hair. A darker color would be nice, all one shade, you can’t handle highlights
2. lighten up on the make-up. You may wear eyeliner, (you should ask someone to help you out first because your eyeliner never looks good and you need some tips) you may also wear mascara. You may not wear foundation. A tiny bit of powder MIGHT be ok. NO BLUSH you look like a clown. You are too heavy handed. And no lipstick, a clear gloss is fine. It’ll help I promise.
3. get a personal shopper. Someone smart and trendy who will steer you away from those colors that wash you out and will help you find things that aren’t hideous and that look kind of o.k. on you.
4. don’t wear white shoes. EVER. White shoes are for nurses. (obviously this doesn’t apply to tennis shoes, don’t be silly.)
5. stop speaking and smiling. Watching you simper at stott makes us all sick.
do these things well and you may be improved up to 35%
you want to be improved even more you say? Up to 50%?????
Don’t worry, I can help you with that too.
Do all of the above things and stop hitting on stott, because,
A. he is never going to like you, and
B. it really pisses me and sarah off, and also,
C. you aren’t smart enough for him…and probably aren’t good at scrabble, which, sarah and I have discovered is the kind of quality stott looks for in a girl and therefore he is not looking for you.
Now that you have the potential to be 50% better I hate you 2% less….
BUT if you disregard all of my helpful advice I will hate you 2% more which means I will like you not at all, if I had to put a number I would like you -4%
i hope you can follow this. But you seem to be a rather slow, dim sort of person. So I’ll just say, I don’t like you. At all, you are never going to be my friend. Because even if you take all my advice you still aren’t cool enough to be my friend.
You have to have a coolness level of at least 85/100 to be friends with me, and most of my friends rank above a 90.
I’m just saying, I mean business .
also, you are not bad ass enough to be my friend. I have never seen you do anything remotely bad ass, on the b.m. you are about a -3, seeing as I am a 10 and sarah is a 6.5 you are no where near qualifying as bad ass enough to be our friend.
You want to know what would make you more bad ass in our eyes? Become Canadian or go cliff diving, become a professional dodge ball player. Otherwise, no dice.
Here’s another thing about you that pisses me off. I have never, ever, heard you say anything interesting.
Don’t worry. I can fix this too.
You know what you need?
To be more in tune with pop culture.
So, here’s what you should do;
1. watch more t.v. may I suggest greek, buffy, the office, gossip girl, America’s next top model, one tree hill, lost, it’s always sunny in Philadelphia, desperate housewives and glee. You may think that these all sound shallow but people watch them and they are excellent tools in being an interesting person and carrying on a conversation….example, “oh my god! Did you watch greek last night? I can’t believe that zbz is ranked 4th-ish and that cappy and casey are still not together! Aren’t they the perfect couple?” if you are talking to a fellow lover of greek you can talk about these 2 simple facts for at least 45 mins.
2. read people magazine. You may not care if brad and Angelina are adopting again, you may not care that john and kate are in the midst of a huge battle over their 8 (obviously those kids should stay with kate, kate plus 8, that works, john plus 8….not so much) (btw. Does anyone know those kids names? I don’t think so) but how are you supposed to make witty cultural remarks if you don’t know what is happening in Hollywood? You aren’t, which is why you have to know. I mean, it isn’t that expensive, and they’re so fun to read. Also, the pictures are excellent. I mean, you can almost guarantee at least 3 shirtless men per issue…hot ones too, like Gerald butler or Daniel craig.
3. go to the movies. I know I know, it’s a little pricey, but hot men talking about their feelings isn’t something you’re going to witness unless you dish out the money for a movie. Also. Then when you are talking to people you can mention the movie and recommend it if it was good or warn people away if it sucked. They will appreciate this and like you more for it. If you save someone $7 they will be nice to you for at least a week, which will boost your street cred.
4. get a facebook account. Friend the coolest people you know. If they accept you secretly stalk them. See what kinds of things they say to their friends, notice wall to walls, learn what they talk about. Peruse their interest pages, try to gain the same interests. Casually mention these things to them. Here is how to do this
· wait until they are speaking with their friends,
· casually join the group, everyone will give you looks like, “who are you, what are you doing here, why do you think you are cool enough to talk to us?”
· ignore these looks
· say the interest you share is skiing, wait for talk of the weekend. Then, mention that you are taking your volkl katanas to pomerelle this weekend and that you are so excited to shred even though they are a little too soft for you.
· The skier will have respect for you because you
o A. know about skis
o B. understand the flex of the ski
o C. have good taste in skis
o D. picked their favorite local resort over say, magic mountain.
· They will then ask you questions about skiing.
· Tah-dah! You have achieved conversation!
· Next time it will be easier
· Eventually they will stop giving you dirty looks
· They may eventually start to like you
· You may eventually gain cool friends.
I could give you more tips but, I have to pee and my class is almost over. So just think about what I have told you. You should be good.
Ok, just practice a lot….and one more thing, don’t try to friend me on facebook, you aren’t ready for my coolness. If I were you I would start with someone nice. Someone who won’t shoot you down the minute you try to talk to them. So definitely not me.
Sincerely,
Rach
